My wife caught me watching forced feminisation porn – help!

by Felix Conrad - Clinical Philosopher on August 17, 2016

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Dear Felix,

I’ll get straight to the point. Two days ago I was caught by my wife in an extremely compromising position, watching hardcore Lustomic forced feminisation porn. Having read your article on ‘should I tell my wife about my crossdreaming’ I was hoping you might be able to tell me how the hell I can fix this situation. My wife won’t even talk to my right now.

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I wish that some sophisticated yet soothing words rushed to my lips, but the first thing that comes to mind is just….

I’m not gonna lie to you… this is some bad shit. I mean, there’s porn that everyone knows… two big titted blonde lesbian nurses spanking each other, but forced feminisation is a whole other level. And the worse is… she caught you in the act… so you can’t even go for the old ‘I was doing some research’ defence.

For a wife who knows nothing about her husband’s autogynephiliac tendencies… it must be one hell of a shock. Like… totally unexpected. I guess when you say ‘hardcore’ you mean the whole forced feminisation nine yards… which means she can’t even think her husband is just a comunal garden crossdresser, but a sado masochistic crossdresser who likes anal. I don’t want to make you feel worse but I think it’s important you see the gravity of the situation… including the possibility she might tell someone else about it. We really have a problem here.

When you have a problem like this and there’s a possibility that a marriage (and therefore complications with your children) are at stake… you have to be smart. That means… first of all… pleading the fifth: keep your mouth shut… and don’t open it until you know exactly what you’re going to do. Men are fools… and inevitably, while trying to make their wives feel better, say something stupid and ill considered that makes it worse. So…

Step one: Schedule a time and place to talk about it with your wife. In the meantime – neither skulk around being all gimp-like (you’ve shown enough of that already) but neither walk around as if nothing happened. Be calm and considerate.

Step 2: Take a half day off work.

Solving problems is an art. You need to get a few hours completely free, a peaceful place, and a pen and paper (or Google Keep if you’re walking with your phone). Then you gotta answer the following question…

Step 3: “What do I want?”

Before we invest any more time in this, be sure that this marriage is what you want. The fact your wife didn’t know about your sexuality isn’t a good sign. However, I’ll presume the answer is ‘yes’.

Step 4: Decide if you’re gonna go for… ‘The truth, the half truth, or… nothing like the truth.’

Honesty is always the best policy. Lies are not just morally bankrupt but a symptom of a life that is inauthentic and relationships that are false. There’s no doubt in my mind that telling the truth is your number one responsibility.

But, as we say in the philosophy business… “What is the truth?”

The truth is, without getting all Game of Thrones and shit, a many faced God, and if children are involved (ie… a custody battle) who’s going to start getting all noble about the truth if it will damage your relationship with your children?

So, while your moral responsibility is the truth, I will (as your advisor) give you three different angles, starting with the most outrageous.

Step 5 A: Flat out denial

This strategy reminds me of Renee in Allo Allo when he is caught kissing Yvett: “You stupid woman…”. The flat out denial states that you had actually lost interest in the porn site fifteen minutes before, and were simply masturbating to your own fantasy while x hamster continued in the background. As everyone knows these videos are pretty random and come from playlists you had nothing to do with. “Jesus, you think if I was into that shit I would be able to have normal sex? God… how ridiculous!… you stupid woman.” (Obviously, you don’t say ‘you stupid woman’ but I add it because that’s essentially what you’re doing. This is a pretty low blow, cowardly, and I feel bad even telling you this strategy. It should only be used if something unjust and terrible will happen if you fess up.)

It can be adapted or completely changed, but basically you go all OJ Simpson and deny it all the way (but don’t get caught again… pulling off the ‘you stupid woman’ play a second time is not viable: “it was just a coincidence… that there was another forced fem video in the background.”)

Step 5 B: The truth burger

A truth burger has the truth at its center but is cushioned by the soft, pliable dough of fact management.

Is that so bad? Society is still very repressed and homo/transphobic… and even if your wife is a liberal she may suffer from these things. Therefore, there is an argument that as society is prejudiced and repressed and unfair about these things… you don’t have to be completely fair ie. truthful.

The truth burger would go something like this…

“I am a man with broad sexual tastes… and one of those I will admit is female domination. Dominatrixes turn me on… but so do beautiful Latin women and girl on girl action and lots of things. The particular video you saw is not something I’m really into but I’m a big fan of the dominatrix in it… and it was the only one I could find.”

With the truth burger you basically admit you’re a little kinky but hold off on the feminisation part.

Step 5 C: Man up

The great irony of manning up, of course, is that you’ll be revealing yourself to be a dress wearing pansy.

(Editor’s note… we do not use the term ‘man up’ or ‘pansy’ as they are clearly problematic, but Felix insists he was being ironic.)

However, it is clear that this is the path of honesty and courage. If you go for it then I applaud you… but remember that there are different ways of presenting the truth.

If you are explaining crossdreaming to your wife I would emphasize one key fact: that you are fundamentally heterosexual… you like sex with her, you like sex with women, you do not habitually cross dress and you will not be doing the Caitlyn. You are a man… but you have a mildly transgender nature… and this sometimes manifests itself in your sexual fantasies. As for that specific video… you don’t like watching the guys (which I presume is true) you just like the dominatrix… that’s what turns you on. (I think the whole forced thing is something you should downplay – not for reasons of deceit but just because despite my effort to explain it in two articles… it’s hard to understand, and will just confuse her.)


Step 6: Decide where to go from hereon in

I think an unsatisfactory outcome is that you manage to bluff your way through this but it’s always there in the background. Every time there is a mention of bondage or cross dressing in a movie the two of you both feel uncomfortable. I really recommend that – whatever strategy you choose – the issue is definitively dealt with.

As a couple, there are two options open now: your wife can decide to explore some of this stuff with you sexually, or the two of you go all Taliban and never mention it again.

The ideal situation is that you both be honest with each other about your sex life and see the episode as a chance to introduce some new erotic elements. Encourage her to open up more and tell you her deepest fantasies. (However, remember my previous advice that if your wife does indulge your fantasies you can not let that totally dominate your sex life. You must regularly provide good old-fashioned sex and also help her act out some of her unusual fantasies.)

In the Taliban scenario… I would promise to give up porn. Let’s face it… porn is enormously problematic, and giving it up will probably be better for your karma. You could say that the whole episode has made you see porn as sordid and you want nothing to do with it ever again. You then devote yourself to upping your game in the bedroom and providing total satisfaction.

Step 7: Find out – in detail – how your wife feels about the episode

Your wife will, I’m sure, tell you how she feels…repeatedly. But I think the feelings you need to know about are those she would express to a friend. You see, she might, for a variety of reasons, forgive you, but she may – in some intangible way – have lost some of her respect for you.

You could argue that this is shallow on the part of your wife… it’s just sex after all… and we all have our kinks. However, we can not control who we are attracted to and why… and the simple fact is that she may find the whole episode completely sordid.

If that’s the case then you really need to know about it. Being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t respect you is a one way ticket to unhappiness for you, for her, and your children. If she is just staying with you out of loyalty then the end will inevitably come and it’s better that happens sooner rather than later.

Conclusion

Anonymous, I know this sounds fucking corny… but in the end, you have to do what’s right. What’s right is what’s going to lead to you and your wife being happy… and I can’t see that deceit will lead to that. A general rule of thumb is that if you feel guilty about your strategy then it’s probably the wrong one… if it feels noble and sincere then it’s the right one.

However, we all have to be pragmatic. I don’t know your situation in detail, but if being noble ends with you – divorced, not seeing your kids, and hitting the bottle… then you might want to reconsider.

General advice for crossdreamers

In my opinion, you have a moral responsibility before entering into a new relationship – to tell your girlfriend about your crossdreaming (I understand, though, that for those in long relationships you may not have understood your crossdreaming when you were younger.) Of course, the danger is the relationship breaks down and then she goes tell everyone… but don’t tell her everything in one go. There are ways to do things and ways to do things.

felixconrad45@gmail.com


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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

Transcend Everything August 14, 2015 at 11:03 am

Yes, ok… WXLUYP… I get the point. You maybe right. You maybe wrong. We will never know.

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IanBrianna December 1, 2016 at 5:42 am

Onl thing you’ve got to worry about is not making a movie about Rendezvous with Rama.

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