Crossdreaming has made me lonely and incapable of a normal relationship

by Felix Conrad - Clinical Philosopher on September 15, 2015

Share Button

blackhole crossdreaming

Introduction

I have just read a classic description on Reddit of egodystonic crossdreaming… which means, basically, the person hates being a crossdreamer. As is often the way with such cases, the first implement they flagellate themselves with is shame.

What particularly upsets this person is their love of humiliation. However, I would point out that if you are turned on by submission then you should be grateful that all you require is forced feminisation. When it comes to BDSM, forced feminisation is child’s play. What is it, really? It’s basically a game of dress up followed by penetration. In contrast, other forms of domination require burning, whipping, binding, suffocation, being hung upside down, trampled on, shat on and pissed on. Then bear in mind that there are currently circulating in society – child molesters, zoophiliacs, amputee fetishsits and people who are into stuffed toys and balloons.

However, shame is not the subject of this article. Today I want to talk about those who believe that crossdreaming is pathological – ie. a mental affliction like addiction or neurosis that negatively affects one’s life. In many such cases the person believes that their inclination makes it impossible to engage in classic heterosexual sex and/or relationships. This is because – as the individual gets drawn ever deeper into a sexual and emotional relationship with their female side – they withdraw from the outside world and feel increasingly lonely.

Today I would like to examine this in detail and then ask if there is such a thing as pathological crossdreaming.

Diagnosing pathological crossdreaming

How do you know when a life isn’t going well?

I think we would all agree on the following…

If a person’s social, professional and romantic life is on a sharp decrease… while solitary time spent fantasizing and masturbating is on the increase… then there’s a problem.

The above description is relevant to a minority of crossdreamers who explain their stories in online forums. They are caught in a crossdreaming black hole… where an ever increasing amount of time gets sucked into porn, fantasy and related activities. The question is… why?

Is there something in the nature of crossdreamer sexuality that leads to black hole crossdreaming?

Yes. Their are two factors involved.

    1.

    For many reasons, the crossdreaming sexuality suffers a great deal of repression. This means that while heterosexuality has a lifetime to mature slowly like a fine wine… the crossdreaming sexuality develops in fits and bursts, or sometimes… all at one time. This means that a person can experience a massive escalation of fantasy as they unleash their sexuality.

    Riding the wave of emerging crossdreamer sexuality can be extremely difficult because what’s happening is complex. It bears a strong similarity to sex addiction but it is also a process of self discovery. It often has three dimensions.

    – Enjoyment of the desire
    – An obsessive slide into semi-addictive behavior
    – The joy of self-discovery and expression

    2.

    Crossdreaming is not as ‘auto’ as some people claim but it can not be denied that it is an extremely self-centered form of sexuality. It is here that Woody Allen’s quote ‘masturbation is sex with someone I love’ is highly relevant. There are all sorts of dimensions and personal narratives involved in crossdreaming which can make it far more involved and compelling on a solo level.

So it’s true that crossdreaming does have some properties which can lead to pathological behaviour ie. an excess of time spent on fantasy to the detriment of work, friends and romance. However, and this is a big HOWEVER, these properties should never be enough to suck in a mentally healthy person for too long, and although they can still be a little obsessive… they ride the wave and get on top of it. Some people don’t, though, and as they slide into the black hole, that is the point where they have to see this has nothing to do with their sexual inclination but a symptom of some deeper pathology.

The slogan to remember here is “depression is depression.” Whether it’s drinking, excessive masturbation, compulsive shopping, gambling or any other addictive behavior… a withdrawal from the world into some private, pleasure inducing activity is almost always a symptom of depression.

When thinking about depression, you must erase whatever ideas you have about the condition. Depression has many forms and many symptoms but always has at its center the same fundamental cause: there is something very wrong with your life. Apart from some cases – thought to be endogenous and chemical in origin – the something wrong is usually a lack of personally meaningful activity and meaningful emotional attachments.

If you are in this position, it is time to get yourself into therapy. This is non-negotiable. Life should be lived to the full, and trying to cope with this on your own will lead to a half life and a shadow existence.

5 tips to healthy crossdreaming

1. Embrace it. Fighting your sexuality is a war you’ll always lose… it’s like Vietnam and Iraq rolled into one.

2. Create a masturbation countdown. Colloquially known as a ‘wankdown’, this means you set a limit (literally… set the alarm on your mobile) on how long you’ll let yourself surf porn before you reach orgasm.

3. Don’t get all caught up in the pointless ‘do I want her, or to be her?’. It is a meaningless chicken and egg question that can’t actually be answered. Trust me… a hottie is a hottie and a boner is a boner. When she is guiding said boner to her vagina you won’t fail. And.. if she’s not a hottie… well, you won’t want ‘to be her’ anyway.

4. Set clear professional, social and romantic objectives in your life. Invest half the time you spend trawling porn, on using the internet to achieve your objectives: Linked-in, dating sites and writing to friends etc.

5. Masturbate/ have sex regularly. There is a clear corelation between the nonsense fantasies of a crossdreamer and the amount of sperm buildup. Get that shit out regularly – preferably with a man or woman you love – and you will calm down. (The question of being both a good lover and a crossdreamer will be the subject of a separate post.)

A Big Fat Complication

One problem with all this, however, is if the retreat into solitary compulsive fantasy is due to the advent of late onset transsexualism (remember, this does not mean the transsexual is old… but that they never realized before that they were transgender).

When a crossdreamer crosses the line to transsexual – ie. they have a strong urge to live as a member of the opposite sex – but no way to express or live it, then a retreat into fantasy is inevitable.

But then you have the complication within a complication. Because the body, manner and dress of the other gender feature so prominently in crossdreamer fantasy… they always end up in a circle of chicken and egg, trying to workout if it’s all a part of the sexual fantasy or something deeper.

Soloution

The soloution to discovering whether you are transsexual or not, is not – in my opinion – to start a low dose of hormones and see how you feel. That’s like taking cocaine to see if you like it or not… of course you’re gonna like it. I have come to believe that all crossdeamers are transgender and almost all will feel good with hormones.

Gender therapy is a good idea… but be careful. Here the danger is not so called ‘gatekeeping’ but them throwing the gate open and inviting all-comers to party. There are some gender therapists who are a little too steeped in the accepted narrative.

To be honest, I think a good solution is (rather conveniently) my book. The eccentric notion of ‘fusion’ is a chemical-free way to discover the depth of your transgender psychology, while moving your life forwards. The basic premise is this…

Give it one last try, and basically do everything you can to build a meaningful, healthy, stimulating life without HRT or surgery. I assure you… if you follow this program and still want to transition then you are definitely transsexual and you should definitely transition.

.
Visit shop…buy book!

So, to conclude, in my opinion crossdreaming can become pathological, but only as a symptom of a deeper pathology or the symptom of a late onset gender crisis.

felixconrad45@gmail.com Life-coach, and most excellent drinking companion.

Share Button

{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }

Monica Miller September 16, 2015 at 6:16 pm

A black hole? A pathology? A paraphilia? Hardly. Just a fairly ordinary female heterosexual orientation — a need to make one’s self all pretty and get f**cked by a guy. Maybe, just maybe, this feeling is common among MtFs, no? The hard part is for someone in a male body, and who is aesthetically attracted to women, to deal with this. Some are able to make this fantasy come true. Most won’t even acknowledge its existence, and choose to repress it. Others acknowledge it, but are unable to make it happen. Hence, the torment.

Reply

Joe September 18, 2015 at 6:14 am

LOL, yup. I belong to group 3 of your statement.

I’m a man who is purely attracted to woman, who also fantasizes about making himself up all pretty, etc. I’m still attracted to women though. I love sex with women, as often as possible. If I were to try to go over to the “other side”, I wouldn’t be man enough to have male friends and being attracted to women, I’d be seen as a “creep” to most. Actually, I’d be seen as a “creep” to most everybody.

Being that I love sex with women, it only makes sense that I’d want to keep my male body, right? For the greatest chance of having intercourse. So, here is my battle. It feels like 75% of me loves myself, as I am currently, but the other 25% wants to feel feminine, I wish there WAS a way I could stop feeling so ashamed of myself. I wish there was a part of me who DID want to take hormones, but there just isn’t. It’s mostly just dealing with the facts that what I fantasize, can’t happen.

My sexuality just feels like one giant contradiction

Reply

Transcend Everything September 18, 2015 at 7:25 am

That’s because it is a contradiction. However, life is full of contradictions. Have you ever loved someone but hated them, wanted them but not wanted them?

The crossdeaming contradiction (though, perhaps contradiction isn’t the best word) takes considerable time and effort to deal with. It can not really be reconciled – only accepted. Yin and yang… both sides must exist… thus you will always be attracted by women and attracted by being a woman. I think the ability to deal with this form of sexuality is ultimaly nothing to do with sexuality… it is about building an awesome life and being so happy that it takes care of itself. Focus on finding a great job, great friends and great wife. Read my book… If you can’t pay I’ll give you the password.

Reply

Deandra February 10, 2016 at 12:48 am

AFAICT you’ve covreed all the bases with this answer!

Reply

Sneha January 9, 2016 at 6:13 am

Hii when I was 9 years old I was feeling lonely due to lack of friends and emotional neglect from parents at that time I happened to watch a TV show in which men dressed as women in college fest and they walked on ramp they were looking exactly like female models….I became very anxious as I had this opinion that men are superior to women and gender boundaries should not be crossed ….thinking about it I was feeling anxious and accidentally I masturbated and I really enjoyed the orgasm feeling…. Then I thought I don’t need any people I can just masturbate whenever I want,…also I thought in order to masturbate again I need to think about gender bender stuff that is women acting/dressing/behaving/becoming men and vice versa….from that day almost daily I was masturbating to these themes ….now I am 27 …the only way I get aroused is imagining gender bender stuff….for past 5 years I pondered whether I am transgender…but now I think I am not…I have no social life no professional life no romantic life….I like girls but I am not sexually attracted to them… can I change my sexuality from crossdreaming to heterosexuality… Please help me I am very worried thanks

Reply

jack February 7, 2016 at 1:36 am

wow this article really opened my eyes. i might have depression but i don’t know how to deal with it, i really dislike the idea of taking drugs to fix it. lately i’ve been using tv shows and crossdreaming to escape whenever i feel threatened by life.

Reply

Leave a Comment

Previous post:

Next post: